Today has been a very unproductive and uneventful day. I spent the entire day at a friends house moping around watching other people play video games via streaming web-sites. Where have the days gone that call for my participation? Actually, today offered plenty of opportunities to participate with life and I met these opportunities with the decision to hide. As I hid I reflected on the day prior. I analyzed every action of mine, not from my point of view but from the point of view of the strangers that sat in front of me.
I seem to be shy and awkward in new social situations with people that are strangers to me. I'm not really sure why. I can blame a thousand different things for my social awkwardness. But the ones that hark at me the most seem to be that I don't have any common ground with most people I meet. . . in Orange County anyway. Unfortunately because of that, I tend to close myself off from the world. I don't have an established image that offers consistent cultural "normal" behavior to others. At least, that's how I feel and observe my own social awkwardness. And, because I feel my behavior isn't what strangers expect I have a bad habit of painting my own demise. Or a different way of putting it is that, "I make up in my own head of how others view me and the central focal point of this point of view that I make up, are based purely on cultural meme's.", and not necessarily the good ones. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin to clear this up, except at one place.
I have noticed that each social situation where the awkwardness sets in is when women are present. I feel as though that I am viewed as a "weirdo" and that my "weirdness" is interpreted as some sort of sexual connotation. Why does this come to mind? I have been called weird in the past by women. The sexual connotation part is something that comes to my mind because I am confronted with sex everyday. EVERYONE is! Television, commercials, billboards, bus side advertisements, radio, music, movies. EVERYTHING has sexual thoughts knocking on my forehead door. And when the day comes that I meet strangers that happen to be beautiful women. . . What does my mind base every movement off of? Look, this is complicated. . . Very Complicated. I am not stripping these strangers down in my head. If I was, then this would be pretty simple. I would vary much be nothing but a sexual pervert. Instead what happens is miss-communication. Every communication medium is left open to interpretation. So when the lady to my right is constantly fidgeting around with her hair, laughing abrasively at the words coming from my mouth, and constantly looking at me, I can't help but wonder a few things: Is she; a) mocking me b)interested in me c)actually likes my lame sense of humor d)or more awkward than me? And why do all these questions about someone's personality have to revolve around sex?
These questions are always running through my head in new social situations with women involved. The overwhelming pervasive public display of sex always has me confused. Because of this, I am planning a trouble-shooting experiment to see how much of this pervasive thought of sex is. I am going to run the celibate road for as long as it is necessary to find out how programmed I am into thinking about sex in every communication medium with the opposite sex. I want to see how influenced I am by the outside cultural influences of our society that I am in.
Here are my rules; No dirty jokes, no talking about how beautiful the opposite sex is, no movies or television shows with sexual connotation, no listening to music that talks about relationships or sex, no participating in ANYTHING that has any sexual connotation at all. I feel this may be extreme. But, I want to wipe that circuitry out of my frontal lobe. I want to disconnect from the curse of stereotypical male ideology of "Men think about sex every 5 seconds.". That saying has been around since I was in middle school, so if I have been hearing this for over a decade how else am I supposed to think? If I tell you not to think about an elephant, chances are you will. Because the word elephant represents that animal, you have no choice but to think of an elephant. Otherwise that word has no meaning. Thus is the mainstay to our cultural awareness of sex. Too many words can represent a phallic, sexual intercourse, breasts, vagina, and etc... It's time to take control of the language that we use everyday and start using the words more appropriately. This is my focus. Every word out of my mouth needs to mean what those words were intended for. Nothing is worse than when I hear the dreaded phrase after a statement of mine, "That's what
she said!". No, why do my words, along with my thoughts get altered by the pervasive thought of sex from outside? This must stop.
Sex, alcohol, drugs, and violence should not be a pillar for a society. Love for one another and for everything in the universe should be. Everything else, is just a lie.
